he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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