I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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