So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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