I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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