I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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