Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
