Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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