My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
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