I think im going to throw up on grandma
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
