Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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