True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Randomize
