i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
