my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
