I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
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