Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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