Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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