she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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