Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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