dude i'm inner monologue high
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
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