I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
