so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Randomize
