I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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