If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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