just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
