So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize