listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
