I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I enjoy the company of your penis
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
