sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
