white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
