My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
