"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
