I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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