Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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