Already got asked if we're dating
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize
