I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
