I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
