Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I wish there were birth control emojis
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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