New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
