I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
