I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
