twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize