In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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