Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
