before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
