rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
