One girl and one boy is just not enough.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
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