how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
