Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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