i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
