when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
