...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Randomize
