All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize