you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
