I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I lost the right to judge tonight
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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