if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
