can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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