kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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