she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
